My sister arrived from the US on Monday night and we went to see her that very night. That was the night before she died and I spent that night at the hospital with Mummy. I didn't think about it then but I think the first sign that she was getting ready to leave us was when she threw up her night feed. She was not able to keep any food down after that.
On the evening that she passed away, I had arrived with my sister and dad to see her. I noticed how fresh she looked. My brother, who had just seen her less than an hour ago but had left for work, had noticed that her eyelids were open just that little bit and not shut tightly like before. And the morning before, she had coughed up a lot of phlegm. Again, something she had not been able to do before.
Her death was so peaceful that I did not even know that she had taken her last breath. That day, we we supposed to discuss with the doctor how to care for her at home. It had been everyone's wish that home would be where she should take her last breath. However, shortly after we arrived at the hospital, the doctor checked on her. Shockingly, he told us things were not looking good and that she only had a few hours left. While we knew this day would come soon, we did not expect it to happen so soon. There were things I still had not done.
I had asked the doctor to try to keep her breathing for another day so my kids would get one last chance to see her. When that was not possible, I asked for just a little more time so my brother could come back from work. But it was not meant to be. Her body just could not take it anymore. I did manage to get my kids to speak to her on the phone from Hong Kong. I hope she heard them.
Of the three of us, I think Mummy always felt my brother needed more attention. She was always worried about him, even crying for him everyday when he went into NS. And I think that she took her last breath even though he was not at her side because she had already seen him just a while ago and she knew that she need not worry about him anymore. My brother has done her proud, raising a fine family (one of his sons is in NS and was commissioned as an officer one week after her funeral; his other son, a keen photographer, is studying for his degree) and taking good care of her and my dad.
Strangely, after she took her last breath, her complexion changed and became very smooth and soft to the touch. She smelled so good and fresh too.
I had wished for a long time that she would be released from her suffering so that one day I would be able to talk to her, to hear her voice again. Until today, I still have not heard her voice and wonder when that would be. I miss hearing her voice so much.
I tell my kids not to leave room for regrets in their lives. Because I do have regrets and regrets haunt you for a long time. I regret not spending more time with her, talking to her while she still could. I regret not holding her more often and telling her how much I loved her. I regret all those lost years when I was so preoccupied with my own life and new family. I regret that my kids did not get to know her or get the opportunity to be pampered by her as she loved children so much.
I don't think that anything we do will ever be enough for all that she went through for us. Everything she did, she did for us. My only consolation is that we gave her the Buddhist rites that she would have wanted. Raised as a staunch Buddhist, Mummy had always found comfort in the priests' blessings. On Sunday evening at the hospital, she received blessings from a priest that she had known for many years. Right after she passed away at the hospital, he was there again to bless her.
I don't know how long the pain of losing her will last. We all grieve in our own private way. I think about her everyday and cry for her still. My dad looks at her photo and talks to her. He too, never stops thinking about her. Neither do the rest of our family...Mummy remains in all our thoughts.
Buddhists believe that when a person dies, they will be reborn. Every night during her wake, there were prayers where we chanted prayers and transferred merits to her, providing for a more auspicious rebirth in her new existence. As the priest said, being the good person that she was, she already had earned merits for herself.
Impermanence alas are formations,
subject to rise and fall.
Having arisen, they cease;
their subsiding is bliss.
As water raining on a hill
flows down to the valley,
even so does what is given here
benefit the dead.
As rivers full of water
fill the ocean full,
even so does what is given here
benefit the dead.
Mummy never enforced her religion or beliefs on us. But she did bring us to the temple often and we could see how dedicated she was. Her passing has made me understand her faith a little better and has made me want to know more.
My wish now is that we will all be together again in our next life. And I am still waiting for her to speak to me.
