It's taken a long time to complete Mummy's memorial photobook to mark her first anniversary. More than two years have actually since passed. I was not happy with the first one that was done and it took me a while to get it redone and to find a printer. Finally found an online service based in the US. So Melissa will bring the printed copies home.
It's been a bittersweet project as I cried so many times all over again. I'm glad it's now completed and hope that everyone likes it. Am really excited to see the final printed copy!
So click here for a preview. If anyone wishes to purchase additional copies, do so directly at www.blurb.com.
This time last year, I was in Singapore as Mummy was in hospital. At 1858 hours today, it will be exactly a year since she took her last breath.
In her memory, we have put together a photobook,capturing her life from a little girl, to the time she met Daddy at 15 and ultimately in what I believe were here happiest days, as a grandmother.
It was a difficult project, as it brought back all the tears. But it was worthwhile and a good way to keep our memories of her alive. But more so for the younger kids to know her since they did not really have that chance.
Mummy, you are in our thoughts always and I still wait to hear your voice again. And that laughter of yours, which I really miss.
It's 3 months since Mummy passed away and we have just performed the dharna to transfer merits to her. During the prayers, all the tears and sadness returned.
In these 3 months, I find myself looking for ways to keep her memory alive and close to me. Strangely, one of the things that I have been doing is to look inwards at myself. What have I inherited from her? How am I like her? I am, after all, my mother's daughter.
I have always felt that I looked like Mummy. But all the photos that I had seen did not show that. Even worse, the joke in the family was that I was adopted because I didn't look like anyone! Well, my feeling was proven right when I saw an old photo from my aunt. When I first saw the photo that my brother had posted on Facebook, I thought it was one of our old family photos. I thought the girl in the photo was me. But it was actually Mummy when she was a teenager! (And my brother insisted that he inherited her stance.)
So what else did I inherit from Mummy? There is always this debate about Nature vs Nurture. How much of what we are is taught and how much is innate? Is it only wishful thinking that I inherited Mummy's traits - resourcefulness, creativity, efficiency, cleanliness, intuition, love for children and cooking? Mummy was all that and more.
Everyone knows how well Mummy cooks and raves about her cooking. Even today, when there's a gathering, we reminisce about her cooking. She cooked without a recipe and relied on her taste buds. Everything was 'agak agak'. Such was her talent and skill. Some things cannot be taught. Mummy definitely did not go to cooking school. She probably did not even help out in the kitchen. In fact, when she was young, she was so pampered that she would not have to wash dishes and got pretty much her own way.
Oh, the things that Aunty Wimala told me when she was with me by Mummy's side at the hospital. Mummy was very defiant and loved to dress up. Once, she wanted to put on her new high heel shoes to school. But Grandma forbade her. So she put on her usual white canvas shoes. But once she was at the bus stop, she would change into her high heel shoes and walk the rest of the way to school.
In my head, I can hear Mummy say "Shut up lah". That's what she used to say to Aunty Wimala when she was upset. Uncle Cyril also gave a hint of what Mummy was like when she was young. She liked wearing her dresses short. Looking at all her old photos, you realise that Mummy was a real fashionista.
Mummy certainly was a free spirit and spoke her mind. I think that being pampered when she was young, she was used to getting her own way. As a mum, she was the best. No doubt about that. As Reverend Bhante said at the dharna on Saturday, mums are always special. No one will be able to cook like mum - nothing else tastes the same or as good as mum's cooking. And it's because of all the love that goes into the cooking. She doesn't cook for herself; she cooks for us. How true! I can't find anyone who cooks like Mummy. And I miss her and her cooking so much.
After the prayers, my son JJ came up to me and said that my cooking is the best. Yup, it's true, mum's cooking is always the best. Thank you, Mummy, for passing so much of yourself to me.
Mummy passed away on Tuesday evening, 28 June, 4 days after I arrived from Hong Kong. I don't know if it was because she finally got to see me and my sister, who came home from the US the day before. It had been a long, torturous journey for Mummy, living with dementia that kept her trapped and unable to speak. Dementia struck her in her fifties, at a time when she should have been enjoying her life's rewards.
My sister arrived from the US on Monday night and we went to see her that very night. That was the night before she died and I spent that night at the hospital with Mummy. I didn't think about it then but I think the first sign that she was getting ready to leave us was when she threw up her night feed. She was not able to keep any food down after that.
On the evening that she passed away, I had arrived with my sister and dad to see her. I noticed how fresh she looked. My brother, who had just seen her less than an hour ago but had left for work, had noticed that her eyelids were open just that little bit and not shut tightly like before. And the morning before, she had coughed up a lot of phlegm. Again, something she had not been able to do before.
Her death was so peaceful that I did not even know that she had taken her last breath. That day, we we supposed to discuss with the doctor how to care for her at home. It had been everyone's wish that home would be where she should take her last breath. However, shortly after we arrived at the hospital, the doctor checked on her. Shockingly, he told us things were not looking good and that she only had a few hours left. While we knew this day would come soon, we did not expect it to happen so soon. There were things I still had not done.
I had asked the doctor to try to keep her breathing for another day so my kids would get one last chance to see her. When that was not possible, I asked for just a little more time so my brother could come back from work. But it was not meant to be. Her body just could not take it anymore. I did manage to get my kids to speak to her on the phone from Hong Kong. I hope she heard them.
Of the three of us, I think Mummy always felt my brother needed more attention. She was always worried about him, even crying for him everyday when he went into NS. And I think that she took her last breath even though he was not at her side because she had already seen him just a while ago and she knew that she need not worry about him anymore. My brother has done her proud, raising a fine family (one of his sons is in NS and was commissioned as an officer one week after her funeral; his other son, a keen photographer, is studying for his degree) and taking good care of her and my dad.
Strangely, after she took her last breath, her complexion changed and became very smooth and soft to the touch. She smelled so good and fresh too.
I had wished for a long time that she would be released from her suffering so that one day I would be able to talk to her, to hear her voice again. Until today, I still have not heard her voice and wonder when that would be. I miss hearing her voice so much.
I tell my kids not to leave room for regrets in their lives. Because I do have regrets and regrets haunt you for a long time. I regret not spending more time with her, talking to her while she still could. I regret not holding her more often and telling her how much I loved her. I regret all those lost years when I was so preoccupied with my own life and new family. I regret that my kids did not get to know her or get the opportunity to be pampered by her as she loved children so much.
I don't think that anything we do will ever be enough for all that she went through for us. Everything she did, she did for us. My only consolation is that we gave her the Buddhist rites that she would have wanted. Raised as a staunch Buddhist, Mummy had always found comfort in the priests' blessings. On Sunday evening at the hospital, she received blessings from a priest that she had known for many years. Right after she passed away at the hospital, he was there again to bless her.
I don't know how long the pain of losing her will last. We all grieve in our own private way. I think about her everyday and cry for her still. My dad looks at her photo and talks to her. He too, never stops thinking about her. Neither do the rest of our family...Mummy remains in all our thoughts.
Buddhists believe that when a person dies, they will be reborn. Every night during her wake, there were prayers where we chanted prayers and transferred merits to her, providing for a more auspicious rebirth in her new existence. As the priest said, being the good person that she was, she already had earned merits for herself.
Impermanence alas are formations,
subject to rise and fall.
Having arisen, they cease;
their subsiding is bliss.
As water raining on a hill
flows down to the valley,
even so does what is given here
benefit the dead.
As rivers full of water
fill the ocean full,
even so does what is given here
benefit the dead.
Mummy never enforced her religion or beliefs on us. But she did bring us to the temple often and we could see how dedicated she was. Her passing has made me understand her faith a little better and has made me want to know more.
My wish now is that we will all be together again in our next life. And I am still waiting for her to speak to me.
Singapore got slammed recently by Sir David Tang. Sir David Tang, in case you are not aware, is the founder of Shanghai Tang. Over the last few weeks, there have been many discussions for and against the preservation of Cantonese. One particular reader wrote in to the South China Morning Post with his rather offensive view of Cantonese. In his defence of Cantonese, Sir David Tang asserted that Singaporean residents speak three languages badly. Hey, that's not fair!
So it was with glee (ooh, my favourite show GLEE) that K.Y. Tan of North Point replied as follows:
"I am not a Singaporean but I would like to take issue with David Tang Wing-cheung, a knighted Anglo-Chinese, who asserts that Singapore residents speak three languages badly.
His inappropriate remark was made in the context of the recent saga over the use of Putonghua and Cantonese.
I don't see why Sir David had to drag four million Singaporeans into the debate. Neither could I find any passable justification or compelling evidence that the seven million Hongkongers have a better command of language when we speak than Singaporeans.
We expect the majority of Putonghua speakers to respect our right to speak Cantonese in Guangdong, Hong Kong and Macau. We should also respect Singaporeans' language preferences."
Yea, yea!
Frankly, I am all for the preservation of dialects. They are, after all, an integral part of our intangible heritage. And for me, dialects have special place - I reserve it for speaking with family and close friends (even though I speak it poorly. Blame it on the Singapore government....). Somehow, I feel a special bond.
And it feels especially good to speak it when playing mahjong. I wonder why.
My first visit to New York was with my husband. It was one of our stops after our wedding in Singapore enroute to Chicago where he was still working at that time. Just a short trip then, we did the usual touristy things visiting the Statue of Liberty, Niagara Falls ........
Now fifteen years on and two kids later, it's my second trip and I had about a week. Coming from small cities like Singapore and Hong Kong, New York can be quite intimidating - it's so big! Is that why they call it the Big Apple?
I was unlucky enough to be there when there was a snowstorm - on two days! Not wanting to stay cooped up inside the hotel, I went out to Broadway to see a show. And my shoes got totally wet. So what to do? Buy a pair of Timberland boots! Nice and cheap too ('cos they were kids' boots).
Ground Zero Museum Workshop
One of the highlights of my trip was the visit to the Ground Zero Museum Workshop. It was a very emotional experience. You could feel the emotion within the small studio which was filled with photos and memorabilia taken from the scene of the 911 recovery effort.
Quotes that caught my attention and stay etched in my mind:
"Never forget"
"Two bullets went in to the World Trade Centre but only love came out" - FDNY Chaplain Chris Keenan
"I know my son is in better hands now, but I'd rather have him in mine" - Lee Ielpi, FDNY Retired, Father of Fallen Firefighter Jonathan Ielpi, Squad 288
Broadway
What's New York without Broadway, right? So that's where I went - not once but twice. And here's a great tip I got for saving money (as it's really expensive). Go to the TKTS ticketing booth and get up to 50% off for same-day shows. I watched West Side Story and Rock of Ages, both at 50% discount. I had very good seats. For Rock of Ages, starring Constantine Maroulis (remember him from American Idol?), I was seated right in front of the stage. It was quite a strain on the neck but at least we got to see everything up close. If only JW were there to feel all that energy and rocking ...............
Alexander McQueen
On the day that I went to the Ground Zero Museum, news had just broken out that Alexander McQueen had died. It so happened that his boutique was just across the road from where the museum was. Flowers were placed outside his boutique, most probably by his fans.
Chelsea Market
I took a half day food tasting tour at Chelsea Market. This was in Chelsea, the meatpacking district which is a relatively new and hip place for the young and fashionable. Designers such as Diane von Frustenburg and Alexander McQueen have their shops in this area. Well known TV celebrity chefs also have restaurants here - Del Posto by Mario Batali, Morimoto by Chef Masaharu Morimoto of Iron Chef fame, etc.
The food tasting tour was an opportunity to sample food from the various outlets at the market. Most were mom and pop shops that were handpicked by the owner. A great tip that I got from our tour guide was that if you are visiting New York, you can request for a volunteer from the Big Apple Greeter who will take you to neighbourhoods in New York City.
Food, Glorious Food
With a foodie for a husband, you can be sure that trying out new restaurants would form a good part of our visit. With so many recommendations, it was hard to fit them all in. In my husband's precious Blackberry, there's a list of restaurants complete with addresses and contact details - his favourites as well as those that he wants to try. In fact, I always say that he's a walking food directory. Those that don't make the cut are deleted from his Blackberry forever!. So if anyone out there wants to know where to eat - Singapore, Malaysia, New York, Bangkok, Hong Kong - you know who to call.
This time, his list for New York included Kai, Daniel, DBDG (by Daniel Boulud) and Balthazar.
You know how you can tell if a restaurant is good by how long the queue is? Well, at Balthazar, there was a queue alright! Even at 11pm on one night (good thing we had a reservation) and 10am the next morning (no reservation so no chance at all). Balthazar is a thriving, bustling hangout and it was obvious that everyone was having a good time.
New York without Daniel? Unthinkable. I'm not good at describing food and how it tastes, but let me say this and you just have to trust me on this. Whatever great reviews you have heard about Daniel, it's all true. It was simply a gastronomic experience. The service was exceptional and the food was phenomenal. And Daniel actually came out to the dining room to chat with his customers - complete with his trademark stance as seen on the Asian Food Channel. Where's the camera when you need it!!
Arty Farty
Visiting the Guggenheim Museum was kind of a weird experience. Yes, it's a monument to modernism and most (if not all) things abstract. But that still did not prepare me for some of the 'exhibits'. Imagine beginning your tour and suddenly being joined by a young boy of about 10 years old asking you whether change is good. The conversation progresses as you walk up the museum's spiral ramp. And as suddenly as he first appears, he disappears and someone else joins you. This time, the conversation is on a different topic, but still very abstract and philosophical. This continued for a while and there were a total of maybe 5 people who appeared and disappeared. Thank goodness I had reached the top of the museum!
So it really brings me to the question of what is art? A man and a woman were embracing themselves as they were lying on the floor - kissing, touching, canoodling - all in extreme slow motion. That was art?
A really weird experience but at least it was another check on my list of must do's in New York.
From something arty farty to something sporty - NBA. I used to accompany JW on his school basketball matches so, ahem, I know a thing or two about basketball. And if you are in New York, there's no better way to enjoy the game than to catch it live at Madison Square Garden. Another great experience indeed.
Did I say that New York's big? Well, not just the city but just about everything. These buildings say it all.
So final assessment of New York second time around? A very happening place and definitely worth another visit. Hope the kids can make it the next time around. When's the big money coming?!
